You Must Be...

The Lion King

For Skibby...just to make him uncomfortable with his own masculinity...

(image caption) Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young: not a genius.

As we get closer to the NFL Draft, you may hear more and more about the Wonderlic test taken by prospective NFL players at the annual Scouting Combine.

The test itself is simple intelligence quotient test. Players are given 15 minutes to answer as many of 50 questions correctly.

Two players have ever scored perfectly, including current St. Louis Ram quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, a Harvard alum. Many players have scored very, very low, perhaps most notably Vince Young's score of six (6) last year.

Want to try for yourself? ESPN made a sample fifteen questions available for public consumption last year. Knock yourself out, and post your results in the Comments section if you wish...

Oops

Looks like taking a year off from football and that ol' schoolroom hassle didn't turn out so hot for former Gopher Gary Russell. Russell is now preparing himself for the upcoming NFL Draft by taking part in the pre-draft NFL Scouting Combine. According to ProFootballTalk.com, it's not going so well:

"Two days after he vowed not to run the 40-yard dash as slow as Maurice Clarett did it two years ago, former Minnesota running back Gary Russell posted two bad, bad times on Sunday afternoon.

Clarett ran a 4.72 and a 4.82 after being out of football for two full seasons. Russell, who missed the 2006 season because of academics issues, ran a 4.8 and a 4.82.

Russell had to lose 25 pounds to get in shape, and he blamed his ineligibility in 2006 to being lazy.

Based on his history and on his times in the 40, we doubt that Russell will hear his name called at the draft."

Needed This Today

Do you know what 'nemesis' means?

Write Your Own Caption

Morrison v. Mercer

Early '90s heavyweight boxing star Tommy "The Duke" Morrison announced his return to the ring after 11 years.

Almost fourteen seconds later, "Merciless" Ray Mercer announced, "I'm coming back, too!!!"

Tuffy In Action

One of my favorite photos from last season...

When: May 23

Where: dOPUS

What: Off-roading to avoid Screech's crash and his taco'ed wheel...

Best Post I've Seen Anywhere In a While

Kudos to Cour10ay...good stuff...

Feels Like Summer

After a month of bone chilling cold, today's 42 in Tuffy Town feels like summer. And, you know what summer means?

Dorks in socks and sandals!

Disappear

From a recent post on Craig's List:

"Looking to disappear, completely. (start a new life privately)
Have no idea where to turn, or how to do this, but need to go soon.
Serious replies only, I can't take this nightmare anymore.

'Why do I want to disappear?' = 'Life is meant to be lived, not survived.' "


Obviously, this is one of the more curious posts I have ever seen on Craig's List, so I decided to search a bit. In a quick Websearch, I turned up this.

Any other ideas or experience in this out there in the audience?

Boogie Nights: Star Wars Edition

"It looks terrible."

"It looks terrible."

Media Monopoly

Former NBA star Tim Hardaway "hates gay people." 95% of NBA nods heads in silent agreement.

How to start a media shitstorm? Follow these steps...

From Deadspin.Com:

1) ESPN publishes a book in which a gay former player comes out of the closet.
2) ESPN personalities all jump on this self-created "story" to publicly express that they are indeed tolerant.
3) ESPN personalities ask every living athlete about their thoughts on gay players hoping that...
4) An ESPN personality finally catches a former athlete, who's not up on the latest tolerance talking points.
5) ESPN runs non-stop coverage of said comments.
6) ESPN personalities get to go on camera once again and say how much they're against hate.

The Great White Nope

So That's It

So that's it.

I've had enough.

You heard it here first: I'm not responding to your comments anymore. I'm just not. No matter how stupid, inane, hypocritical, self-glorifying...whatever! I'm not responding to them anymore.

I don't know why I ever did in the first place.

You're a jackass. Everyone is clear on this. But your jackassedness makes you such an easy target...it was like shooting gd fish in a barrel.

And I reveled in it.

I reveled in taking you to task every single time.

Every. Single. Time.

Just like at the velodrome.

Every. Single. Time.

But the fun is over.

When I spent almost a half an hour transcribing my thoughts into what might be my best piece of writing in years...well, that's a sign.

And you're not worth that kind of time.

So it's over.

You won't have this guy to abuse you in print any longer. You'll have to find someone else.

Or, you could always abuse yourself. Think about it.

One Less Headache

So, I have one less headache to report today.

After struggling for sometime about what to do about the ever growing inverse relationship between the price of my cable bill and the quality of service Comcast provides, I pulled the plug.

Sort of.

My demands:

1) Downgrade my service to Basic 1

2) Keep the Sports Tier

Basically, now I have the five local channels plus about 19 variations on QVC, plus English Premier League football. For almost $40 less per month than I was paying yesterday.

It's ok. I haven't been watching the tele much lately anyway. And I'll upgrade for the month of July, then immediately downgrade again.

Screw you, Comcast.

Overheard at the Swap Meet

Overheard at the Swap Meet:

Shopper: "So, why would I wear bibs instead of shorts?"
Dag: "Bibs don't fall down."

Wiser words have never been spoken...


PS: I stole the photo from your site, Smithers. Deal with it.

Well, that explains a couple of things...

I was watching Super Bowl XLI on DVR today, and I noticed something I hadn't last Sunday.

Don't know how I missed that...

Missing: Former Major Leaguer

Find Les!

"Yeah, about that check..."

Then...

January 10, 2005:

"We look forward to developing with Lance and the entire Team Discovery Channel the highest quality programs about healthy living, medical breakthroughs, the science of sports, and cancer survivorship and education for our worldwide audience," says Discovery chief executive Judith McHale in a statement.

And now...

February 9, 2007:

In a statement, Discovery said it was proud to sponsor the team for three seasons, but "we have decided to aggressively shift our focus and resources to support our core business goals and objectives. And our core business goals don't include 2nd-tier pros like George Hincapie and Levi Leipheimer nor reclamation projects like Ivan Basso."

Whoops...

Training the Tuffy Way

This photo has nothing to do with this post, except to highlight Jan Ullrich in his new team kit.

Time to fess up...

Tuffy didn't get fat this winter. Truth is, Tuffy is only a few pounds over his riding weight from last summer/fall.

"How did he do it?" you ask.

Simple. Here's how:
1) Cut a hole in a box
2) Put your...

Wait. That's something else.

Here's what you'll need:

--1 Mountain Dew every day for lunch
--1 CycleOps trainer
--1 BMC SLT01 (Tuffy recommends: 57cm in Swiss)
--4 cycling DVDs (Tuffy recommends: "Overcoming (2 disc set)"; "Hell on Wheels"; 2006 Ronde; 2006 Paris-Roubaix)
--2 CDs of Paul Oakenfold (Tuffy recommends: "Perfecto Presents Another World")
--1 stereo (with amp set to 11)
--2 water bottles
--1 towel
--1 ProTour team kit (Tuffy recommends: a national champ kit)
--1 hour

--5x per week

That's about it. Git 'er dun!

Nobody Fucks With The Jesus

"Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude."

Remember...

Remember those nimrods you went to high school with? The ones who thought it was cool to sleep through class, sneak dips of snuff in the back of the room, and drove the beat up Luminas?

Well, they work at Comcast now.

Signing Day Update

Today is "National Signing Day" for many Division I schools and sports.

The Gophers have a big ceremony planned at the McNamara Center to announce their football signees this afternoon.

However...

The Gophers have lost one of their "blue chip" recruits in the last 24 hours. Henry Sibley quarterback, Phil Haig, a prep athlete long-expected to sign with the Gophs, has pulled his oral commitment off of the table. Haig was ranked the #26 quarterback nationally by Rivals.Com.

As reported in the Star-Tribune this morning, Haig rescinded his verbal after Gopher Head Coach Tim Brewster's quarterback son, Clint (#17 at Rivals.Com), committed to the Gophers over the weekend. The younger Brewster had been set to attend Illinois.

In a strange twist, Illinois, along with at least one other Big Ten school, is now in pursuit of Haig.

The NCAA signing period extends over the next 14 days, and watching where Haig ends up after the music stops should be interesting.

Super Bowl Yippee!!! Plus, Celebrity Picker!!!

It's Super Bowl Sunday!!! Time to celebrate!!!




Bonus appearance by this year's Super Bowl Celebrity Picker!!!

The Greatest Excuse Ever

So, here's the best reason ever to miss Stupor Bowl 10: I just spent the last four hours MCing a meat raffle.

I think I was first exposed to a "meat raffle" while getting sauced during my Morrison/Joplin days at Joe & Stan's on W. 7th in St. Paul with my drinking partner Krugs. And it made me shiver.

And, ever since, the idea of a meat raffle has made me laugh.

But, after doing a little bit of research, I guess I never realized how much a meat raffle is a part of Minnesota-cana.

So, that's where I was during Stupor Bowl: presiding over a meat raffle. I even had to buy a ticket, mainly because I damaged it and it was unsellable.

PS: There was no way I was showing up at Stupor Bowl anyway. It needed to be at least 30 degrees warmer.

No, really -- which suburb are you from?

So, I'm going with the Colts in "the big game" on Sunday.

(Side note: Why the f is the NFL such a batch of dooshes that it won't allow advertisers to refer to the Super Bowl as the "Super Bowl"? What the shit is this? Imagine if MLB pulled that shit with baseball, and you couldn't call it the "World Series"?!? What the f would they call it? "The Big Best-Out-Of-Seven Game Series"? Get real, NFL; you look like a bunch of chumps acting like this. I digress.)

Anyway, I'm going with Indianapolis because I hate Chicago. Whoops! Let me rephrase that: I still hate Chicago.

Why do I hate Chicago? I'll tell you why: attend college with a bunch of little pricks from Chicago for three or four years. Hear them spout all kinds of bullshit stories, like "I'm from Chicago."

Response? "No, you're not, asshole. You're from Barrington or Deerfield or maybe Oak Park at the closest. But you sure as shit aren't from Chicago proper."

The mob spawn (different from the typical suburban Chicago dooshes) I went to school with were even more impressive. Day after day, decked out in a varitable rainbow of track suit colors, with their zippers down low enough from the porno-esque chest hair to sway freely back and forth in the breeze. And they never showered, either. Check that: they did shower. But their version of a shower was loading up with more cologne. And cologne that was two years past its trendiness date.

Assholes.

(Although, it was one of those mobster wannabes that hurled a Bud bottle across a bar one time at my loudmouth roommate and hit him square in the eye socket. How do I know it was a Bud bottle? "Bud" was imprinted in purple bruising on his eyelid. Quite spectacular, really.)

The best part, however, was being in college during the Wannstedt/Jauron era Bears. The Bears sucked back then. Plus, the Vikes were on top of the world at the time. And that made it a virtual certainty that we could talk shit to these little Chicago suburb Catholic school turds with extra gusto for two weeks out of the year. Plus, we got to kick them when they were down after the Bears would get thumped during Packer Week, too. (Though we then had to listen to those Wisco rubes drone on and on, too, which may have been worse.)

But we always taunted them about the Dan Ryan Expressway. For some reason, Chicagoans are very touchy about the Dan Ryan. I don't exactly know why. But you had to say it that greasy, overweight Chicago drawl..."The Dahn Rihuhn". Rolls right off the tongue.

Assholes. (PS: Not you, Ray...you're cool.)

Go Colts!

Cold Days, Warm Thoughts